In the world of parenting, we often celebrate the ‘easy’ child, the one who never argues, always agrees, and seems perfectly happy to go with the flow. But as parents, we must develop a deeper intuition. Sometimes, an easy child isn’t ‘easy’ because they are naturally laid back, they are easy because they have learned that being difficult costs them the love and safety they crave.
To raise truly resilient and healthy adults, we must learn to distinguish between a child who is confident and a child who is a people-pleaser (or developing such traits).
There are two paths to a quiet home. One is built on safety and the other is built on performance. Let’s understand both:
- The confident child: This child is easy because they feel secure. They know that even if they make a mistake or disagree, your love for them will never change.
- The People pleasing child: This child is surviving. They have internalized the message that ‘big feelings’ are a burden to their parents. To keep the peace, they hide their true selves and give you the version they think you can handle.
How to spot the difference: Recognizing the signs of pleasing people is vital for a child’s long term emotional health:
- Handling Mistakes: A confident child makes a mistake and comes to tell you because they see you as a safe harbor. A people pleasing child makes a mistake and disappears, gripped by the fear of disappointment or reaction.
- The Power of ‘No’: When a confident child says ‘no’ they stay calm, they are simply stating a boundary. When a People-Pleasing child tries to say ‘no’, they often panic or immediately fold the moment they face the slightest pressure.
- Conflict and Disagreement: Confident children will hold their ground even when they disagree with you. A child trending towards codependency will mirror your emotions and options just to avoid the friction of a disagreement.
How can we shape this Behavior?
It is a hard truth for parents to swallow, but we often accidentally create these performers. It happens in small and normal parenting moments for example:
- We withdraw affection when a child is difficult or disappointed.
- We react with anger to feelings like crying, frustration or anger.
- We generally make a mistake by overpraising a child specifically for being easy.
When we do this, we unknowingly teach them that their real self is too much and we ask them for a version that we can handle.
What Parents can do:
The Dos:
- Allow the ‘no’: Let the child disagree with you on small things. It will teach them that their voice has value.
- Reward Honesty, not perfection: When they come to you with a mistake, focus on their courage in telling you rather than the mistake itself.
- Be their safe place: Ensure that when they go wrong or fail, they find you waiting there with support not criticism.
- Validate their feelings: Even if a tantrum is inconvenient, acknowledge the emotion behind it. Show calmness by saying ‘I see that you are frustrated’ rather than saying ‘Stop crying’.
The Don’ts:
- Don’t withdraw Love as Punishment: Avoid using the silent treatment or emotional distance to control the child’s behavior.
- Don’t value ease over connection: If a child thinks being no trouble is the only way to be loved, they will stop sharing their real needs with you.
- Don’t fear disagreement: Don’t view a child’s ‘no’ as a challenge to your authority, view it as a practice run for them standing up for themselves in the real world.
Our children should know that they are already loved. By allowing our children to be difficult, to make mistakes, and to disagree with us, we give them the greatest gift which a parent can offer, that is the freedom to be their true selves.
